[ADVICE] Criminal Coworker
And how to be more stylish
All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear All The Right Answers,
I (28F) am allergic to a lot of foods. Tree nuts, shellfish, you name it. Most of the time this isn’t a problem. I’ve learned to live with the fact that restaurants are, for me, only for socializing, not enjoying new foods. I’m also fine packing a lunch every day and bringing my own items for the snack cabinet at work. For most of my professional experience, there have been no issues with this,
Enter Andrew. Andrew is my newish coworker, and a few weeks ago he asked to try my allergen-free gummy worms. I let him taste one because I like seeing how people react to my foods.
As it turns out, he loved them! In fact, he enjoyed my worms so much that he finished the bag when I was out of the office last Friday. I didn’t say anything because there were only a few worms left, but guess what happened when I brought a new bag to work? I should note that all of my food is labeled with my name, and I never implied that he can eat my candy when I’m not there.
Do I confront Andrew? Should I report him if he insists that anything in the cabinet is fair game? What’s the easiest way to keep him out of my snacks?
Sincerely,
Picky Easter
HAM: Put the candy in your desk.
JOANNE: Poison the candy in the cabinet and put a new bag in your desk.
HAM: That’s better.
JOANNE: Yes.
BLAKE: I’ve got thoughts on this, but I need to share something with the readers before we continue. As a bestselling writer and author, it is my pleasure to give the people what they want. But recent events have required me to—
HAM: You’re not allowed to ask for money. It’s in our contracts.
BLAKE: I’m not doing that.
JOANNE: We can have an OnlyFans but the egg has beef with Patreon. (to producer) It’s basically charity.
BLAKE: Let me finish. Beloved advice-seekers, I have been accused of plagiarizing my bestselling book Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design. This is a lie, it’s bad baloney, and I will be counter-suing my accuser for spreading such damaging claims.
JOANNE: You stole someone’s book?
BLAKE: No! The only things I steal are hearts and savings, but I wanted the readers to hear about the lawsuit from me instead of some salacious headline.
HAM: I Googled your name and no one has reported on this.
BLAKE: We’ve kept it under wraps.
HAM: Actually, I can’t find anything about you online.
BLAKE: Really?
HAM: Yeah there’s no evidence that you exist outside of this conversation, right now.
JOANNE: Well I for one, will not be reading any of your work until this matter is resolved.
HAM: Didn’t you already read his book?
JOANNE: I did not and I will not. So let’s wrap it up.
BLAKE: Okay, thank you. And for you, Christian Cross, I only have one thing to say to you… Curse.
JOANNE: Did you forget?
BLAKE: I cursed him.
HAM: Curse Christian Cross curse Christian Cross. It’s a tongue twister.
JOANNE: Cursing someone might constitute a verbal assault, so we should circle back to that at some point.
BLAKE: On the topic at hand, I agree that poisoning your coworker is an effective means of stopping him from eating your food. I would refer you to a chapter of my book for further wisdom, but my lawyer says not to do that for a while.
HAM: I want the record to show that I googled Christian Cross and he is very handsome.
Dear All The Right Answers,
I am a (very) overweight man who has always struggled to feel comfortable in my wardrobe. Lately, I’ve been watching a bunch of body-positive fashion videos on TikTok, and it’s given me the confidence to explore new outfits! Do y’all have any advice for someone interested in dressing better?
Sincerely,
Dripped Out
HAM: Well our letter writer came to the right place. I’ve recently launched a men’s clothing line, Blake’s newly-litigated book is about aesthetics, and I’ve never seen Joanne without one of these cool headbands.
JOANNE: It’s medical.
HAM: Drippy, style is about confidence. You can wear the ugliest carpet on your back and nobody will say anything so long as you sell it. That’s actually what inspired my line of masculine compression socks, THROBBS. Looking good starts with feeling good, so I’d recommend a couple of exercises to boost your confidence.
I want you to look at yourself in the mirror for 30 minutes, uninterrupted. Only blink once every minute, while repeating the phrase “Daddy’s gonna work now.” This ritual will solve all your problems unless it ignites violent night visions about your mother. Unfortunately, that’s what happened to me, and I was not equipped to deal with that.
JOANNE: Are THROBBS made in America, Ham?
HAM: They are designed and sold in America, yes. And every pack of socks says so.
JOANNE: That figures. Listen, Big Dripper, fashion is function. We don’t wear shoes because we want to look pretty. We do it to protect our feet, because a long time ago man discovered that conquering the world means designing around it. You should just dress yourself with whatever is on the clearance rack at Ross, because style is the poor man’s 401(k).
As for your self-esteem, nothing shows confidence like having the fattest wallet in the room. Try my thing first and I guarantee you can ignore the THROBBS guy--
HAM: You’ll like the tingle.
JOANNE: --and the soon-to-be convict.
BLAKE: If sharing the truth is a crime then lock me up.
JOANNE: I’m so close to a citizen’s arrest, you don’t even know.
BLAKE: Guess I’m going to Gitmo, Miss Headband! Anyway, I think the letter writer will be happier if they ditch the clothes and show more skin. It’s like you’ve got a fantastic room, but you’re filling it up with junk furniture. Avoid digging through piles of fast-fashion garbage and try celebrating that naturally sturdy foundation.
I’ll agree with Ham on the mirror exercise, but I’m gonna add a challenge. Try smiling the whole time you’re looking in the mirror. Grin like you're higher than an airline pilot tripping on mushrooms. You’re smiling because you’re in control, bucko. People are out here trying to tear you down. Your coworkers are a disaster. Incompetent, rude, unsupportive. Your family hates Christmas, the courts are out to get you. That’s fine. You're smiling through it because you don’t follow the laws of men. You obey the laws of nature, and the trees never let the wicked go unpunished. So don’t get lost in the pigsty, Dripped Out.
“It matters not how straight the gate, or how charged with punishment the scroll.” That’s Morgan Freeman, Invictus. And that’s my advice to you.
HAM: My advice is more based on science, probably a little more streamlined, but I’m glad we ended up in the same area.
BLAKE: I am the master of my fate…
HAM: Uh-huh.
BLAKE: I am the captain of my soul…
JOANNE: Alright…
BLAKE: Let those who worship evil's might… Beware my power…
JOANNE: This feels more aggressive.
BLAKE: Green Lantern's light!
HAM: I knew it sounded familiar.
JOANNE: He’s tweaking. Shows over folks, let him cry it out.
BLAKE: (sob) Why do I feel like the cursed one? ⬤
Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.
Blake Moore is alleged to have written Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design.
Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.
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