[ADVICE] Hidden Text Messages

And making yourself marketable

Dear All The Right Answers,

I’ve been dating Michael for about six months. He’s awesome, he’s tall, and he pays for everything: he’s easily the best guy I’ve dated. Michael was previously married to a woman named Jean, and they still text even though they’ve been divorced for two years because they have a child together (Zoe). 

I don’t care that Michael had a life before me, especially considering how open he’s been about his past.  But I wonder if I’ll ever mean as much to him as Jean. When I tell him this he’s always open to discussion, but I never feel more relieved.

My jealousy recently got the better of me when I went through Michael’s phone. He texts her way more often than I realized. He often updates her on what he and Zoe are doing, as well as things that remind him of her. It’s not necessarily flirtatious, but it feels like he’s better friends with her than me. Should I tell him I looked through his phone out, or continue to repress these bad feelings?

-Relationship Sadvice

HAM: I don’t think my heart hurts for anyone like it does for Miss Sadvice. 

JOANNE: It’s certainly a pickle, and you know what: I hate pickles.

BLAKE: Well I mean let's take a step back. The shelf-life of the pickle makes it a truly indispensable food. I don’t think America becomes an international superpower without the modern pickle.

HAM: I try not to get political here, but I will say that little hamburger pickles are good. I’ve found lengthy pickles to be… challenging.

JOANNE: Sadness, the issue you're facing with your husband is Econ 101, supply and demand. You’re producing an overwhelming supply of jealousy while Michael has zero demand for it. This love market cannot sustain itself. Said another way: this love bubble is about to burst.

Get out while it’s safe, or stay and watch your emotional savings burn in a blaze of Smithian glory. The choice is yours, but I think dumping him would be best for you. And honestly, it’s not the biggest loss. Michael seems a little wimpy. Is that fair to say?

HAM: Oh yeah. I pictured a Rick Moranis type.

BLAKE: Yes, very Ghostbusters. I’m gonna have to agree with Joanne on the breakup, but I think it’s because Michael still has emotional attachments to his previous marriage. Namely, his child. 

Sadvice, on all that I find holy, Zoe is going to destroy your relationship with Michael. She is not only a wedge between you two, but also an attention vacuum that’s ensuring Michael never gives you 100% of his love. Ignore the ex, burn the kid. And my book, Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design, has great recommendations on how to ethically dispose of useless garbage.

HAM: As someone who is enemies with many children, I’d definitely recommend caution when trying to eliminate them. I’ve been burned by a couple of preteens before, and they shoot to kill.

JOANNE: What’d they do?

HAM: You remember when that photo of me eating a popsicle leaked online?

BLAKE: That was the preteens?

HAM: All preteens. 

JOANNE: I believe it. They are the hunters of the species.

HAM: Miss Sadvice, I think honest communication is the only way to fix a struggling relationship. Give him an ultimatum that forces him to choose between you and his ex. This communicates that you value his love so much that you’d rather drown it than give it to someone else. 

JOANNE: What should Sadness do if Michael chooses his ex?

HAM: Well hopefully it doesn’t get there, but I’ve heard great things about ransom notes.

Dear All The Right Answers,

Job hunting has not been easy for me. I’m 31, and working a job with absolutely zero chance of rising up the ladder. I feel stuck but I am horrible at applying to new jobs. Everyone has different advice for updating their resume, and the only thing more stressful than the interviews is waiting in the lobby before your interviews. My question: What the hell can you do to get a decent job these days? Where do I start?

-Lacking Common Cents

HAM: Listen, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. As an actor, I know what it’s like to lose a job because of nerves. When I auditioned for Of Mice and Men with a loaded handgun, it made people nervous. That’s a bad example because they still cast me as Lenny—

BLAKE: Understudy of Lenny.

HAM: —But a less talented thespian might not have been cast at all. Lackey, I think you gotta show up to these interviews ready to impress. Bring a headshot, maybe a change of outfits. Hire someone to do your makeup, to slice the fat off your hips, do whatever you can to seem irreplaceable, yet inaccessible. You want them to love the idea of you.

BLAKE: Well as the writer of this group, I recommend focusing on your resume above everything else. Let your work experience speak for itself. For example, when I applied for this job, I told The Egg everything they wanted to hear. 

I told them I graduated from Harvard Law. I told them Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design won a Japanese Pulitzer. I told them I had seen Ham’s movies. They bought what I was selling, and it got me the job.

JOANNE: You didn’t go to Harvard?

BLAKE: I just said I did.

JOANNE: But it sounds like a lie.

BLAKE: I’m not suggesting that Common Cents lie to get the job, I’m just saying it helps to tell the employer what they want to hear.

JOANNE: Did you graduate from Harvard Law School?

BLAKE: Harvard is the Stanford of the East Coast.

JOANNE: Nope.

HAM: Have you ever seen one of my movies?

BLAKE: No. But in my defense, none of your films are higher than 40% on Rotten Tomatoes.

HAM: Those numbers are subjective. You have to see the art for yourself to have an opinion!

BLAKE: Would you eat a chicken breast that’s only 40% cooked? No? Then I rest my case.

JOANNE: I’m writing a formal complaint after this. If you’re lying about your achievements then it reflects poorly on all of us.

BLAKE: Slander me and I’ll get my lawyer. He’s good— he got Zimmerman acquitted.

HAM: Oh my God.

BLAKE: Just because he’s a good lawyer doesn’t mean he’s a nice guy! I accept the duality of man.

JOANNE: There’s no way that’s true. Common Cents, you’re not made for corporate America. You are a cog, and machines need cogs. Consider yourself blessed that you can say with absolute certainty that you are not meant for great things.

However, if you want to disrupt the natural order by entering the lower middle class, Americans have never failed to make cheaper, dumber copies of successful companies. If a company doesn’t hire you, rip off their idea and steal from their market share. Worst case scenario, you get revenge on a company that didn’t want you. Best case: you make enough money to finance a new scam. Either way, you win.

HAM: That sounds like a recipe for bad karma Joanne.

JOANNE: I’m working with George Zimmerman’s friend and an actor who won the same Razzie two years in a row. There’s only so much you can control. 

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.

Blake Moore is the author of Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design.

Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.