[ADVICE] Hot Pharmacist

OK but why he kinda…

(DOWNEY, CA) As Latinos across the country brace for radical shifts in immigration policy, some see the changes as an opportunity for improvement.

“I think they have to go home,” said Jorge de la Mierda Guitierrez, a self-identified “Hispanic Caucasian” we found exiting the China Star Buffet. “If God wanted Mexicans in California, he’d put them here.”

Gutierrez mentions a cousin of his, a recent arrival who he claims isn’t cutting it. “She’s constantly in tears, definitely a whiner. I cut contact because all she did was ask for handouts, and I told her no. Now I’m the bad guy in my family.”

When asked if he would assist authorities in capturing immigrants in his circle, Gutierrez answered enthusiastically. “I’ll tell them everything: I know where she lives, her birthday, her favorite color. I know what toys she likes, her naptime. I’ll even— I’ll put something in her bottles. I don’t care.” ⬤

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HELP: I’m into my pharmacist!

All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear All The Right Answers,

I need a reality check. Two weeks ago I (23f) got a UTI, and when I picked up the medicine for it, I locked eyes with the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. Imagine a stock photo of a handsome man— perfect hair, teeth, nostrils— and then double the handsomeness. This pharmacist is FINE, and I’m pretty sure we were vibing. I know he’s supposed to ask everyone for their name and birthday, but he did that stupid guy smirk where they think they’re all hot, except he actually WAS hot. I’m down bad, game over, I lose.

The problem is I have to go back to the pharmacy and pick up a not-so-cute medicine. Like pills that are famous for treating embarrassing diseases (think scurvy). How can I convince him I’m cute AND healthy?

Sincerely,

simping fr

BLAKE: I think The Simp gave us a great question. Easily a “Top 7” question.

HAM: Well a lot of people struggle with discussing their health so I’m gonna give her a quiet clap for this one. It’s low in volume but high in respect.

BLAKE: I agree, and it reminds me of a passage from my book. I can’t say its name, legally, but some have called it a cross between a Sears catalog and The Devil Wears Prada.

It’s a very good book, and I start one chapter with the following teaser:

“To see or not to see, that is the question?”

I know, I know. Even my ghostwriter liked it. He thought it was so good that it should have been the title, but the publisher didn’t want to upset Big Shakespeare. Typical politics.

So really Miss Simp, it’s a question of do you want him to see? Or not to see? Only you can answer that. I should also mention my book is a New Yorp Times bestseller, so if you want to find it you will. I really wish I could share the name with you, but my legal restraint shouldn’t prevent you from Googling it.

JOANNE: What the fuck is that? Yorp?

BLAKE: East Coast.

HAM: I don’t… Joanne, what do you think?

JOANNE: Yeah, I think our letter writer might be overthinking it. Pharmacists aren’t real doctors, as we all know. Anyone can wear a lab coat. If Little Miss Muffet wants to jump him, she should.

But if she wants a relationship, she has to tell him about the scurvy. Relationships are built on trust. I’m assuming he’s a traditional man, which means this reliance on prescription drugs is going to be a red flag.

HAM: The guy is a pharmacist, I don’t think he has such regressive views of medicine.

JOANNE: New flash Ham, some people don’t want to sleep with drug addicts. Shocker!

HAM: You can’t blame her for taking life-saving medicine, just like you can’t blame her for trying to hide a part of herself that makes her self-conscious. There's nothing wrong about that.

JOANNE: She is diseased. This means, biologically, she’s a five at best. You can’t procreate with a belly full of scurvy.

HAM: Does your husband care when you’re sick?

JOANNE: I’ve literally never been sick. Sick of you, maybe, but they haven’t invented medicine for that.

HAM: There’s no way to—

JOANNE: I’d take that in a heartbeat. Overdose on that.

HAM: There’s no way to participate in an adult relationship without talking about your health needs. You’re gonna sneeze eventually. However, there are things you can do to hide your condition if you choose to.

For starters, Lady Simp can have all her medical mail sent to her mom’s house. She can meet with a doctor that’s just far away enough that she forgets the major details on her drive back. She can also, and I’ve done this before, buy someone else’s medical records from the dark web. Usually, they belonged to a dead person, so it’s not actually a crime.

Lady, you’re under no obligation to share your medical history. If he’s into you he’ll never ask, and if he ever does he’s a pig. In which case you have my permission to fry that bacon.

BLAKE: I thought you were a pacifist.

HAM: I don’t like labels but I am completely intolerant of body shaming, especially when it’s from a man. God, men.

BLAKE: You’re a man, Ham.

HAM: So are you Blake. We can go back and forth all day here.

BLAKE: I don’t see gender, just income. I’ll sell my book to anyone with a dollar— which is why it’s not available in libraries.

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.

Blake Moore is the alleged author of S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ———.

Joanne Kurtz is a propagandist at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom. ⬤

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