[ADVICE] Mom Voted For Trump

And who we’re blaming for the election

All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear All The Right Answers,

My relationship with my parents has been rocky, but things were genuinely improving before the election. My mom has always been a narcissist, and I’ve always had to maintain a practical distance from her for my own well-being. I love her, I guess, but I accepted that she wouldn’t ever be the mother I needed a long time ago.

Little by little, things have changed for the better between us. She wanted to play a more active role in my daughter’s life, so I allowed short visits for the three of us. Those went well, and I was comforted to see her be the grandmother my daughter deserved. I even asked my mom to babysit during an emergency with my in-laws.

I knew we had different political beliefs, but I never thought she would vote for Trump. My grandparents are Mexican immigrants who came here illegally, and my mother only became a citizen after her first marriage. 

But she did it. Trump is “tough on crime” (he’s a felon). He’ll “close the border” (the one you came through). He’ll “fix the economy” (you haven't worked in years). I'm done apologizing for my mom, and need to cut her out. Do you have any advice for doing so in a way that minimally disrupts my daughter’s life? She loves her grandma, and I’m not sure telling her that Abuelita is a race traitor is the right call (yet).

Sincerely,

Tired of This Shit

JOANNE: Well Shit, you came to the right place.

HAM: That’s right. The three of us made a pact not to vote in this election to keep our integrity when it came to questions like this. Obviously, that was the right call.

BLAKE: I never agreed to that. I voted.

HAM: Don’t tell us who you voted for—

BLAKE: I participated in a grassroots write-in campaign for a rising political star.

JOANNE: We don’t want to know more.

BLAKE: And I don’t want to share. But I’ll say that he’s an author, he’s an acclaimed author-slash-columnist, and he’s projected to make a dent in both Trump and Harris’ numbers.

JOANNE: Jesus Christ he voted for himself.

BLAKE: I am bound to secrecy. But that is a good guess.

HAM: This is exactly the problem with American voters: they’d rather throw it away than vote for a woman.

BLAKE: You know what? You don’t know a fucking thing about me, Ham. I’ve loved many-a-lady, and I’ve got the photos to prove it. Besides, don’t pretend you didn't cast your own vote. 

HAM: I didn’t! Because we said we wouldn’t!

JOANNE: Wait, did you actually abstain? I thought we were just saying that for the cameras?

HAM: You too? God damn it.

JOANNE: Some

one’s gotta Make America Great Again. Why would you actually follow the rules?

HAM: This is what we-- I know you’re a crypto-fascist nightmare, but I thought you had a basic integrity… somewhere under the edgelord fetish. 

JOANNE: Please, this is a battle for the soul of our country and war is something you win. I’m not letting America collapse on a pinky promise.

HAM: Both of you, tell me right now one way your life was better during Trump’s presidency.

JOANNE: My grandma was alive.

HAM: How is that…? That has nothing to do with his policy.

JOANNE: You asked, I answered. 

BLAKE: Joanne, was it Covid?

JOANNE: Yep.

BLAKE: Same. Nana caught it from a take-out place that spit in her food.

HAM: Dude what?

BLAKE: They were racist against white people.

JOANNE: I told mine to wear a mask but Grandma wanted people to see her protest at the Capitol.

HAM: I don’t even want to know if that was the insurrection. 

JOANNE: What did you just say? Ham that is a ridiculously offensive description of J6. They were First Amendment patriots. 

HAM: J6? Why are you making it sound like a nightclub?

BLAKE: Alright Ham made it too political. If you want a nice break from all the election craziness, I’ve got just the thing. I recently settled a lawsuit over my self-published masterpiece, which I’m legally prohibited from naming—

HAM: I can’t believe we’re doing this again.

BLAKE: Oh relax Ham. Good times are just around the corner.

JOANNE: I just pray that nobody ever calls your grandma an insurrectionist, Ham. That’s all.

HAM: Well maybe next time Granny won’t be too dead to hear it herself. ⬤

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and loser.

Blake Moore is the alleged author of S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ———.

Joanne Kurtz is a propagandist at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.

The American monarchy begins in KING AMERICA.

Read the full story here.