[ADVICE] Quitting Social Media

And who pays for dinner?

All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear All The Right Answers,

Screen time is a big distraction for me. I’ve tried to quit social media several times, but I always find myself going back. My dad says I should leave my phone in another room outside of work hours, but I could be fired for missing one email. How do I get the willpower to avoid hours of endless scrolling?

-iPad Adult

HAM: First of all, iPad Adult, I want to thank you for your bravery. Screen addiction is a real issue in this country and people are too afraid to talk about it, let alone find a solution.

JOANNE: It’s so sad and almost… immoral.

HAM: It is, yes.

JOANNE: It’s just not a real problem. If you’re tired of your screen, get off your phone! It's as simple as that.

HAM: No Joanne, addiction is not a choice. I know someone who went blind because he went cold turkey. Three weeks with no screens forced his retinas to heal improperly, and now he can only see things that are 4 inches away. Or 4 miles away. He only sees in extremes, and it’s a disaster.

BLAKE: Ham, If your solution isn’t for iPad Adult to abandon their phone, what is it?

HAM: I think a dogmatic, “I can never use” mentality is dangerous, and doesn’t work. iPad Adult has to change their relationship with screens, and that starts by taking away a little at a time.

Remove screens from the bathroom. Then no screens before bed. If all goes well, the only screen you’ll be using in your free time is at a self-checkout kiosk. Godspeed my friend.

JOANNE: iPad Adult— Touch grass, breathe fresh air, kill a pig. I don’t know, just do your work when you need to and kill a pig when you don’t. Butchering your own meat is a great hobby that saves you money, but if you’re afraid of taking your place as Earth’s apex predator, any hands-on activity will do.

BLAKE: You know I’m somewhere in the middle here guys. Obviously, I don’t want anyone abusing their screen, but I also appreciate that it’s hard to escape tech as a modern professional. 

The way I view the Net, and I say so in my book, Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design, your online surroundings are more important than ever. If your phone is your home, what does your couch look like? Leather? Faux-leather? It’s something to think about, iPad Adult.

HAM: You didn’t really answer her question.

BLAKE: I did, actually, and my book, Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design, has so much wisdom for people in iPad Adult’s situation. I highly recommend it.

HAM: But what action are you proposing they take? All you said was iPhone couch, how are they supposed to—

JOANNE: Ham, Ham, just let him bullshit. 

BLAKE: I didn’t realize we were anti-reading here.

Dear All The Right Answers,

I need someone to tell me I’m not crazy. I (F29) have been seeing this guy (M28) for about 6 months. He’s basically perfect, but the vibes have been off ever since he asked me if I was open to splitting the bill at dinner. I told him that if he asked me out, he was paying; I don’t split bills with anybody I date. 

He said it was “weird” to be so against sharing costs, but when I said I was happy to treat him, he got quiet and defensive. I guess he’s not into independent women? He used to say he wanted me to meet his mom but hasn’t brought it up since. Maybe I was harsh, but should I apologize for having standards in my relationships?

-Broke Ain’t Back

HAM: I just want to start by saying I would never read Blake’s book, because it is 700 pages of weird furniture equations, and that’s stupid.

BLAKE: I don’t think you know anything about literature. Name one book.

HAM: The Bible. The Godfather.

JOANNE: Rich Dad Poor Dad.

HAM: Game of Thrones. 

BLAKE: Okay we’re not here to name books, we’re here to save lives. Broke Girl, it’s okay to split the check sometimes. Your boyfriend’s reaction was weird, but you bruised his ego. 

JOANNE: She definitely did, and I’d fix it right away. Poor Girl, he’s paying for your meals. You have to keep it that way and be smarter about it.

Leave your wallet at home when you go out. If he doesn’t have cash, make him use credit. If he doesn’t have a credit card, sign him up for one. It makes a great birthday present. Keep your equity and design a system that forces him to pay for you. I know people who have had children for this exact reason.

BLAKE: And like so many solutions, you can start in the home before taking it outside. I have a chapter in my book, Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design, about how couples can design their bedrooms for a more prosperous dynamic. I won’t spoil the techniques, except to say that you’ll never see shower curtains the same way again.

HAM: I’m a huge advocate for splitting things with your significant other. I suspect that Poor Girl is worried that splitting costs will dilute the independent life she currently leads. However, sharing financial burdens is a reality for most couples. What I propose is a “one-for-you, one-for-me” system that forces both partners to participate. 

It’s sort of how like, for this column, each of us is expected to offer one piece of advice per letter. If someone doesn’t follow through on their end, the others would be entitled to revolt.

JOANNE: If you want to say something to me, say it to my face, Daytime Emmy.

HAM: I’m talking about Blake. He’s avoided giving a straight answer for two weeks in a row. 

JOANNE: Okay, that makes sense. As Team Leader I assumed you were coming after me. Carry on. 

BLAKE: You’re not Team Leader. 

JOANNE: Let’s focus on the problem at hand Number 2.

HAM: How am I Number 3? I do my job. 

JOANNE: You don’t refill the coffee. 

BLAKE: That is annoying. 

JOANNE: I’m looking at an empty thing every time I want a coffee it’s insane. 

HAM: I don’t even drink coffee.

JOANNE: Well someone’s leaving me dry.

HAM: Use the Keurig!

JOANNE: I don’t support their stance on prayer in school, you know this.

HAM: Unbelievable. 

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.

Blake Moore is the author of Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design.

Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.