ADVICE: Selling My Tesla

Can I sell my car to someone I hate?

COLLEGE STUDENT DETAINED AFTER EATING HUMMUS FOR LUNCH

(LOS ANGELES, CA) University of Southern California student Cathy Hermosillo was arrested on Thursday after purchasing a Sabra hummus Smart Snacker between classes. Authorities say the 18-year-old’s choice of hummus “triggered some alarms,” given the “superior snack alternatives, including Pop-Tarts and microwave Velveeta.” Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Press Secretary Paloma Chacon called Hermosillo’s detention “common sense” given her “Islamic features.”

“The fight for freedom starts in the kitchen, and Miss Hermosillo clearly chose the other side. Her friends in Palestine named themselves after a food for Christ’s sake,” Chacon said before the press. One reporter asked if she was referring to the student’s brown skin, to which Chacon replied, “I didn’t say that, you did. I don’t see color.” When another noted that many ethnic groups have brown skin, Chacon became visibly defensive. “I eat Mexican food all the time, I have never seen hummus in a tortilla.”

While there is no evidence of Hermosillo having any connection or interest in Israel’s genocide in Gaza, she remains held inside a U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) center. One detention officer is confident that the government made the right call. “USC has Panda Express on campus, they’ve got Coffee Bean. She could have eaten anything. You don’t order something weird unless you miss the taste of home.”

This officer, it should be noted, did not go to college. When asked why that was, he grumbled something about student loans. ⬤

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HELP: A LOSER WANTS TO BUY MY TESLA

All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear All The Right Answers,

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend came to me with a difficult choice: she wanted me to sell my Tesla (Model Y). She said Elon was turning into “a literal 1930s Nazi,” and she was tired of getting flipped off at the grocery store.

The truth is, I love my Tesla. I don’t care about politics (I didn’t vote, before all your readers call me a Trumper), but I gave in. It’s crazy to think I’m letting a girl decide what car I drive, but that’s love.

I listed the Model Y on Facebook Marketplace. Of course, I knew there’d be scammers and lowballers, but it was even worse than I anticipated. I only got one serious offer, from a guy I’ll call “Kurt.” He’s pro-red meat, post-divorce, and offered me five grand below my asking price. I don’t really care about the first two things, but I hate hagglers. Besides being cheap, he keeps saying he’s ready to “make a deal.” Like bro, pay me for the Model Y or leave me alone.

I know he’s my only choice, but do I have to sell to him? I lied and said I needed a few weeks before handing the Model Y off, but is there any way to find someone cool to buy the Tesla? Kurt is making me feel like a loser for getting it in the first place.

Sincerely,

Cybersux

JOANNE: He should dump his girlfriend, right?

BLAKE: Definitely. Maybe even sue her.

HAM: No, what? Why would he do that?

BLAKE: Because of the emotional trauma. Nobody talks about men’s mental health until it’s too late.

JOANNE: Eh, they’re fine. The bigger issue is that she’s aggressively anti-American. He has to call that in.

HAM: This is the free market at work. “Voting with your dollar” is pretty standard practice.

JOANNE: It’s not freedom if you’re held hostage by cancel culture. Cybersux, let me connect you with my guy at Homeland Security. He just arrested a college student for being part of Al-Qaeda. Or maybe it was Al Jazeera.

BLAKE: Does Al-Qaeda still exist?

HAM: Al Jazeera is the news. Did your guy arrest a journalist?

JOANNE: Potato, tomato. We can’t get caught up in the details when there’s a war going on.

BLAKE: God, Ham, do we have to spell it out for you? I don’t care about politics either, but the car you drive tells people who you are. Cybersux felt good driving his Model Y, and now he feels like dog shit, getting stomped into the mud by a pack of culturally sensitive hyenas.

This is why I take Uber everywhere. It makes people think I have hundreds of cars, and it gets them jealous. I don’t blame them— I’ve been dropped off by some really nice cars.

JOANNE: Blake, for maybe the first time in his life, is right.

BLAKE: Yes, and if any readers want to know which sofa helps you burn the most calories, they can find my book—

JOANNE: Not this week, Blake.

BLAKE: —on the Google. That feels a little cancel-y, Joanne.

HAM: This is ridiculous. Cybersux is realizing that he might actually suck, and you’d have him dig his heels in.

JOANNE: You’re shouting.

HAM: I’m not shouting.

JOANNE: You got louder.

HAM: I’m… not shouting.

BLAKE: Why is he allowed to shout, but I can’t promote my book?

JOANNE: Okay, I’m voting he dumps the girlfriend.

BLAKE: Obviously. And I’m voting that everyone should buy my book. I cannot enforce this, but I trust our audience.

HAM: This is a mess.

JOANNE: The vote is 2-to-1. Welcome to democracy, buddy.

HAM: We didn’t even answer his question. He wanted to find a new buyer for his car.

BLAKE: He should keep it. We voted the girl out anyway. ⬤

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.

Blake Moore is the alleged author of S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ———.

Joanne Kurtz is a propagandist at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.

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