[ADVICE] Wedding Crisis

And how to hate a kid

All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear All The Right Answers,

After four years of dating, my boyfriend finally asked me to marry him! I couldn’t ask for a better fiancé, but something keeps getting in the way of our wedding planning. He wants to invite everyone we know, but I want to keep it to family and close friends. We knew each other’s preferences before getting engaged, but it never seemed like a big deal. Now we’re finding that we can’t plan ANYTHING until we know how many people are going. 

I want my fiancé to enjoy his wedding day, but I can’t stand the idea of a bloated, impersonal ceremony with B-tier family members I barely know. Can you help us settle this?

-Avoiding Bridezilla

JOANNE: I’m going to take the lead here, for obvious reasons.

HAM: Aren’t you divorced?

JOANNE: Twice, with a third one on the way. Bridey, husbands are laborers. They’re cuddle bears. They’re garbage men. Wives are supervisors: it’s your job to make sure the laborers stay on task. 

I think you understand this, as you’re the one pushing for a smaller wedding. Dropping big bucks on a wheelchair-accessible ramp for Granny Sandra isn’t going to make your day any more special. Personalized centerpieces? Who are you kidding? If you want to burn money, I’ve got a trash can for rent. 

BLAKE: I gotta add, all arrows point to Bridezilla’s fiancé being a bust. 

HAM: He’s got an ick about him. 

JOANNE: Yeah if there are doubts about the relationship, run. Clearly, there’s a schism here they won’t be able to overcome. 

BLAKE: Or maybe change him until he’s completely different. Like she can start conditioning him to be… better? I’m only seeing red flags with this guy.

HAM: He’s probably a jerk, I think we all agree on that. However, Bride of Frankenstein can be committed to making the wedding happen for reasons we don’t know. 

BLAKE: Or he owns a house.

JOANNE: Ignore what I said if he has property. 

HAM: Whether she loves him or just likes him, the reason she stays could be anything. 

BLAKE: I think this is a matter of balance. On one side, Bride needs to get her way, and on the other side, Groom needs to feel like he’s getting away. I have a great allegory in my book, Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design, about a sofa that doubles as a coffee table. Without getting lost in the details, lying plays a big role in the process. 

If our bride can convince the groom that there will be more people at the wedding than will actually attend, I think that’s a good start. 

HAM: I love it when we agree. I would add that being taller than six feet and owning a Tesla also qualify as “reasons to stay.”

JOANNE: Eh. I’ve seen a used Tesla.

Dear All The Right Answers,

My sister and her 16-year-old niece recently moved in with me (M27). Despite welcoming them with open arms, my niece is a horrible houseguest. Any attempt at conversation with “Amy” leads to her rolling her eyes, staring at her phone, or simply leaving altogether. She won’t do chores or contribute to the household in any way. My sister recently divorced her husband, and any criticism of Amy is blamed on that. 

Folks, I’ve seen this girl flip off her grandmother. That girl was a jerk way before the divorce. There are zero consequences for Amy’s actions, and the most my sister has ever done is pull her aside to “talk out the feelings.” She recommends I do the same, but Amy’s always in brat mode. Am I obligated to help her grow out of this “phase,” or should I accept that the kid is a dud? 

-Basically Under House Arrest

HAM: If these kids are the future, I want out!

JOANNE: Tasteless. 

HAM: I’m kidding, grandma. The girl needs a friend to lean on. If a child’s mind is a sponge, then a teenager’s mind is a dishwasher: always rotating.

JOANNE: You’re thinking of a washing machine.

BLAKE: Spin cycle.

HAM: I’m thinking that teens don't get a break. Social media and societal pressure are making them insecure in the worst ways. They grow up thinking “You gotta be beautiful, you gotta be six feet tall.” Newsflash: Beauty is subjective. Height is just a number we made up, like money or voting. I know a lot of women who actually prefer shorter men because of their properly portioned necks.

Trust the process, House Arrest. The way you feel right now doesn’t matter because she’s the main character right now. Just because she’s stepping all over you doesn’t mean she’s a bad person.  It’s all a part of her growth arc. 

BLAKE: I’m not looking to pick a fight Ham, but that advice is bad and dangerous. Advice like that is how America lost the culture war.

JOANNE: Too true.

HAM: Who did we lose to?

BLAKE: The other guys. 

JOANNE: Actually, it’s the Canadians. Kindness is their new weapon.

BLAKE: Children deserve patience, yes, but parenting requires direct intervention. This “wait and see” could not be more damaging to the younger generations. If you’ve read my book, Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design, you know that action is the only way to instigate change. 

Here’s my advice: childproof the home. Most people don’t know you can do this with teenagers as effectively as you can with babies. Start by getting rid of the mirrors, windows, sources of light. Remove any distractions, like posters or clothing. Ideally, all she’ll have is a bed, because we want the room to be a blank canvas. 

Give her a structured exercise schedule, give her a mandatory bedtime, and after a few weeks she’ll be the perfect house guest. There is a chance that she’ll rebel and run away forever, but that’s always a possibility at this age.

JOANNE: Do you have kids Blake?

BLAKE: Impossible to know, really. 

JOANNE: I do think the girl needs structure, but a prison sentence is hardly the solution. Honest-to-goodness work is the most effective way of turning children into docile goal-oriented hustlers. House Warden, give your niece the gift of labor-dependent existence.

Any job will work as long as she’s making enough money to survive but not enough to be independent. 40 hours a week on minimum wage should do the trick. Once she’s become deflated, you can start charging her rent. This could force her to get another part-time job, and she’ll be too busy to be a brat.

Or, as Blake said, she might run away forever. Either way, you’re solid.

HAM: Joanne, do you have kids?

JOANNE: I do, and they are the light of my husband’s life. 

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.

Blake Moore is the author of Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design.

Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.