[ZINE] HUEVO NUEVO #3
Pages and pages of broadcast television
I miss the days when broadcast television brought people together. Who remembers the water cooler huddle the morning after Breaking Bad ended? Or when Kendal Jenner ended racism with a Pepsi commercial?
The community of antenna TV inspired us to make HUEVO NUEVO #3 a “Primetime Special.” Flipping through the pages of this zine feels like channel surfing, complete with commercials and credits. I had the privilege of transcribing a forgotten episode of Antiques Roadshow for this issue, which saw legendary appraiser Paul Brennan’s final show interrupted by a misguided nudist.
You can read that story by scrolling down, and you can read all of HUEVO NUEVO #3 for FREE by using the coupon code below.
Ed Vaca
head scrambler at the egg
Paul Brennan’s Last Appearance on Antiques Roadshow
On October 13, 2007, a streaker interrupted Paul Brennan’s last appearance on Antiques Roadshow. A naked man bypassed two levels of publicly funded security, exposing himself to various attendants of the annual Orlando Antiques Exposition, the camera crew, and Mark Walberg.*
Although this blemish remains fresh in the minds of most die-hard Antiques fans (“Antrodes” as they like to be called), it overshadows another series milestone. “Orlando, Florida” also marked the last appearance of Paul Brennan, one of the most popular appraisers to appear on the show.
Once called “the bad boy” of the art world, Brennan was labeled a prodigy as a child. As early as three years old, he could tell you the exact price of any item in front of him. Brennan used this skill to win a small fortune on The Price is Right, before attending the University of Nebraska Omaha. It’s here where he garnered the more controversial elements of his reputation, as he used his gifts of appraisal to belittle and annoy fellow classmates. “How much does Paul say you’re worth?” became a common icebreaker.
Despite this, Brennan’s talent eventually earned him the position of tenured professor at the University of Orlando.
In many ways, Brennan’s last appearance on Antiques is emblematic of his career as a whole. Unapologetic, shrewd, and commanding, Brennan’s final segment is finally available for all to enjoy. Without further ado, here is [the transcript of] Paul Brennan’s final appearance on Antiques Roadshow.
ORLANDO, FLORIDA
[A woman named Linda DeJonker has presented Brennan with a unique bronze statue: two physically fit but short boys, hanging from a lone tree branch. One swings from a rope while the other, perched atop the tree, pokes his friend with a stick.]
DEJONKER: I got this from my mother, who was living in Albuquerque, and I was quite taken with it when I saw it. She said she paid about $40 dollars for it and I thought it was a steal, even if it isn’t worth anything.
BRENNAN: Right. Has your mother ever lived in the East Nebraska area?
DEJONKER: No I don’t believe so.
BRENNAN: And have you? Ever lived there?
DEJONKER: I actually lived in Omaha for two years, for work.
BRENNAN: And did you know anything about the statue before coming here?
DEJONKER: No, just that it looked nice.
BRENNAN: This statue was made by an artist named Wilma Huntington in 1989, and made an instant splash in the Omaha art scene. Now as you can see the young men are very fit. Their chests are strong, like pillowcases full of concrete. Biceps like a Burmese python. And this, of course, informs the statue’s title, Buff Boys in Bronze.
DEJONKER: Oh wow. I never knew the name.
BRENNAN: Yeah. Now this is an original, an absolute one-of-a-kind. Very rare. So if I had to put a number on it, I’d put the approximate retail, auction value at 0 dollars and 0 cents, because this statue doesn’t belong to you.
DEJONKER: What?
BRENNAN: This statue belongs to me, okay? I bought it in 1989, immediately after it was unveiled to the public.
DEJONKER: I don’t know—
BRENNAN: They know me in Omaha, okay? I want you to call Ken Flemming, and ask him who bought the Wilma Huntington statue in 1989. He’s gonna tell you it was me. So I’m gonna take this—
[Brennan attempts to grab the Buff Boys, but DeJonker is faster.]
DEJONKER: I don’t know—
BRENNAN: —and I’m making a citizen’s arrest.
DEJONKER: —whatever you’re talking about, this is mine, it’s my mother’s.
[Antiques producer Bruce Jefferson interjects.]
JEFFERSON: Paul please put the statue down.
BRENNAN: Shut up Bruce.
DEJONKER: He’s twisting my sweater!
[Antiques host Mark Walberg interjects.]
WALBERG: Hey leave the lady alone man!
BRENNAN: Shut up, knockoff. You’re such a knockoff. I would know.
WALBERG: Come on, Paul.
[A distinct clapping sound grows off-screen.]
JEFFERSON: Can someone please help me get Paul’s— oh God.
[Someone gasps just outside the frame. A naked man jogs by, waving to the camera as he goes. Brennan’s eyes follow the man’s abnormally sunken crotch before he yanks the statue away from DeJonker.]
BRENNAN: Yes!
JEFFERSON: Give her back the damn—
BRENNAN: I volunteer for you for 7 years and this is the support I get?
DEJONKER: I’m calling the police.
WALBERG: Yeah, please.
Paul Brennan did not leave the taping with the statue.
BRENNAN: This statue is easily worth 7 grand, do you really think I’m just going to give it up?
JEFFERSON: Are you seriously still filming?
Three months later, Linda DeJonker placed Buff Boys in Bronze in the annual Florida State University auction. It sold for $116. ■
*a different one
HUEVO NUEVO ISSUE #3
You can download a FREE digital copy of HUEVO NUEVO #3 on our store by using the promo code DEJONKER at checkout. The code will only work until the end of the month, so get cracking!
