[ADVICE] Drinking Again
And staying safe at university protests
All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear All The Right Answers,
Tonight i had my first drink in eithg months. I hate myself for doing this to my family. and i wish i was never born. How can i make sure that sheila doesn’t take the kids again?
Sincerely,
shitfaced
BLAKE: I think this needed another pass.
HAM: It’s messy, but I’m enjoying the rawness of shithole’s letter. His life— I assume it's a he because of the patriarchal overtones— uh, is garbage, and the empath in me wants to help.
JOANNE: But technically he’s asking us to help prevent his wife from taking his children.
HAM: Oh that’s a good point. I considered abstaining from this one because I co-own a moonshine company with Alan Alda’s estate.
BLAKE: His estate? Alan Alda is still alive.
HAM: Choopy M*A*S*H* doesn’t drop until he dies.
BLAKE: It sounds like a 1930s racial slur.
HAM: It’s a medicinal tonic for recreational use, so you’re not exactly the primary market.
JOANNE: I’m not comfortable telling people how to drink anyway. Besides, it's not the liquor that kills you, it’s the loneliness.
Shitfaced, I think you have to take a deep look at your life. Why is your wife in a position to be calling these shots? If there’s even a 1% chance that she can take the kids away, you’re not the alpha.
Assert your dominance, sir. This is your house— pay a bill, fix a pipe, do something productive. I’m tired of dumb people pretending their problems are so hard.
BLAKE: A month ago I would have agreed Joanne, but I’ll cut shittle some slack for taking the edge off. My personal life has been difficult lately, and I’ve had to find my own ways to cope. As constant readers will know, last week I was accused of plagiarizing my best-selling book by an author who will not be named.
HAM: Christian Cross. He’s very good-looking.
JOANNE: He was in a few Abercrombie commercials.
HAM: Really? Send me them.
JOANNE: No.
BLAKE: No! Shittle, you just need a reboot. Start with moving around some furniture, then work your way up to decor. The TV becomes the center of every room it’s in. Does your layout reflect that? Fix your outside before attempting your inside.
HAM: In the entertain-o-sphere, we have a saying-- Take the money and run. Shithole has to take the “money” of his situation, his children, and run away with them. That kind of initiative is what makes families whole again.
Plus, you can’t steal what’s already yours. Otherwise, my cats are under serious duress. Also, let me throw this out there. Are you sure that these are your kids? Is a paternity test on the table?
JOANNE: Good point.
HAM: Would non-biological children be worth the fuss? Probably not.
Dear All The Right Answers,
My daughter is a freshman at a very prestigious university. The campus is not far from where we live, so she spends most weekends at home instead of in the dorms. She has worked hard to get where she is, and my husband and I are beyond proud of her.
Last week, her college made national headlines due to student protests on campus. Apparently, the students made some kind of “encampment” while protesting the Israel-Palestine conflict. I’m not entirely sure what that entails, but the police were called to monitor the protests. Things quickly escalated, and the police were tasked with disbanding the scene. The result was chaos: I heard that rubber bullets were fired, dozens of students were being arrested, and the university has even canceled the senior graduation ceremony.
My daughter insists that the protestors did nothing wrong and that the media has ignored the true aggressors (campus administration and the police, she says). I’m not sure I believe her, but she insists she’ll be participating in the next protest. I’ve begged her to stay away from that part of campus, but I can’t control her decisions.
Ham, Blake, Joanne: what can I do to keep my daughter safe? I’m losing sleep over this. Should I buy her a taser? AirTags? Please help a mom out.
Sincerely,
Freaked Out
JOANNE: Now this is well-formatted.
HAM: Agree. And by the way Mrs. Freak, you can control your daughter’s choices. Ever heard of a shock collar?
BLAKE: Letters like this are why I became an advice columnist. I suspect we’re all in agreement here. She should buy the taser, right?
JOANNE: Electrical weapons are the minimum of what she should do. These protests are a cesspool of violence and racism, and no dignified person would go anywhere near them.
HAM: Absolutely. What these kids don’t understand is that change doesn’t start with speaking out. It starts with looking good. It’s going to sound mean, but camping outside your classroom is ugly. Ugly people don’t win. It’s basic Darwinism.
JOANNE: If you want change, such it up until election season. Anything before then is whining for attention.
HAM: I guess nobody told them that “grassroots movements” don’t have to actually get in the grass. I can’t even think of a problem that was solved by people protesting.
BLAKE: It’s a waste of time. Why would you focus on human suffering on the other side of the world when Americans are dealing with real problems at home? For example, copyright abuse is at an all-time high. I don’t see anyone marching against that.
JOANNE: It’s like they’d rather raise awareness for an issue than ignore it like the rest of us do. No one wants to hear about Israel’s war crimes. Let the professionals fix it: the high-thinkers and the do-gooders.
HAM: Exactly. Pros like us.
BLAKE: Amen brother. I love this. It might be the first time we’ve ever agreed like this. Is there anything else before we go?
HAM: Actually, Blake, we’ve got a little surprise cooking for you this week.
BLAKE: What’s that? Joanne, what's happening?
JOANNE: (shrugs) He said we were entering our “reality show” era? I don’t know.
HAM: Today we’re inviting a fourth panelist to the group. He’s an acclaimed author, professor, and interior decorator--
(Blake leaves his seat and approaches the exit.)
HAM: It’s locked from the inside Blake, you’re stuck here.
JOANNE: That’s dangerous.
BLAKE: This is bullshit.
HAM: Please welcome the author of Settling In: The Craft of Home Design, Christian Cross!
(Christian Cross enters. He is not sure where to sit.)
HAM: That’s yours right there. The folding chair.
CHRISTIAN: (opening the chair, sitting) Thank you for having me, Ham. Joanne, it’s a pleasure.
JOANNE: (husky affirming grunt)
BLAKE: (still at the exit) Ham, you’re ambushing me? All because I hate every movie you’ve ever been in?
CHRISTIAN: I was under the impression you invited me, Blake. I came to clear the air.
BLAKE: You’re a monster. What kind of man accuses someone of plagiarism?
CHRISTIAN: Your opinions are monstrous, my litigation was a natural reaction to your clear thievery. You stole my entire book. Even your title was lifted from mine.
BLAKE: Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design is nothing like your title.
CHRISTIAN: Whatever, clearly you three are just another group of bottom-feeders trying to go viral with a little melodrama. I’m not going to fight you Blake, or debate you, or engage in whatever conflict you were hoping for.
BLAKE: I didn’t do this.
HAM: Hey, I thought he would bite. (to producer) You can unlock the doors if he’s not going to play.
CHRISTIAN: But since I am here, I’ll say this. Your column is always stupid, but your opinions about the student protests are abhorrent.
JOANNE: All of ours?
CHRISTIAN: Yes, and especially yours! Why is it undignified for students to protest a genocide that their government helped fund? Suggesting that criticism of a state military is a racial attack against people on the other side of the world isn’t just preposterous. It’s dangerous.
Our international ally has chosen to completely disregard civilian casualties. Their acts of war have killed children. They've killed journalists. Hospitals have been targeted, but Ham says camping is gross so the students are the ones who need to change.
JOANNE: Hey Mr. Man, we didn’t ask for your opinion. If you want to leave the door is right there.
BLAKE: It’s locked, Razzie.
HAM: Still?
CHRISTIAN: The truth matters. Human decency matters. 20-year-olds understand this. Who are you to infect them with your apathy?
JOANNE: I’m a tenured professor of the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom, sir.
CHRISTIAN: Is it accredited?
JOANNE: Define accredited.
CHRISTIAN: These children have done what you and the people in your letters don’t have the guts to. They’ve taken action. I came here in the spirit of peace, but after today I’ll do everything in my power to bring this column down. It is a cultural cancer that must be removed. Not to mention excessive— why do we need three of you saying the same three things?
JOANNE: Three opinions for the price of one is an objectively good value.
CHRISTIAN: (standing up) Objectively, you’re clowns. I’m leaving.
BLAKE: Bro I’m telling you the door is locked--
(Christian opens the door and leaves the studio.)
BLAKE: How’d he do that?
JOANNE: He probably used his muscles.
HAM: Guy was a total jerk. He didn’t even fold his chair before leaving.
BLAKE: That guy is a real cultural cancer.
HAM: Definitely.
JOANNE: I’d still bleep him.
Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.
Blake Moore is the alleged author of Spacing Out: The Art of Interior Design.
Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom. ⬤