[ADVICE] Open Relationships
And how to survive prison
All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear All The Right Answers,
I’ve been dating Nicole for six years. Overall, we have a healthy(ish) relationship. We’ve lived together for the last four years, and although we have trouble communicating what we need sometimes, our disagreements rarely turn into full-on fights.
Our “romantic” life was one of the few absolute positives for me. I always thought we were very compatible in bed, and I assumed she felt the same until a recent argument. I was laughing about how some couples needed to do wild experiments in order to save their relationships, and she said that spicing things up made sense to her.
I asked if she was interested in a specific activity, and she said no. I insisted that I was open to hearing her needs, but she promised there was nothing she wanted to try. The next night, she casually mentioned that open relationships didn’t sound so bad during another unrelated conversation. I pressed her on it, and she admitted she had considered asking me for one a long time ago, but didn’t because she knew I would say no. I asked if she still wanted one, and she said she didn’t, but I’m not sure I believe her.
Since then, things have been awkward. I’ve basically shut her out, and she’s made no effort to fix things. I don’t want an open relationship, but I don’t know how to resolve this with Nicole. Please help!
Sincerely,
Not A Third Wheel
JOANNE: I think “Not a Third Wheel” has discovered that he is, in fact, a third wheel.
BLAKE: Yeah that relationship is dead. Nicole clearly tapped out a long time ago, and I don’t blame her. There’s “pick me” energy all over this letter.
JOANNE: More like “financial dependent.”
HAM: Polyamory is a perfectly valid lifestyle. I have been in numerous romantic entanglements that defy the norm, and I’ll say this: you get what you put in.
JOANNE: Ew.
HAM: I didn’t even say anything gross, Joanne.
JOANNE: It’s how you said it. I’ve been in polyamorous relationships too, but it sounds alluring when I say it. It’s pragmatic and sexy.
BLAKE: I don’t know about that. But opening up relationships can keep things cleaner. It’s a whole lot simpler without emotional ties. Picture this: there’s a couch in your living room that you love. It’s your best couch. But sometimes, you’re in the mood for a three-motor electric massage chair with built-in cupholders. You want the violence, and it’s okay to seek it out.
My book, S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ———, treats your home like a fading marriage. Keep the good, and shove a bunch of new stuff inside. You just might like it.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Title of book blocked due to a developing legal matter.]
JOANNE: I should note that men and women have an entirely different biological constituency.
HAM: Absolutely.
JOANNE: While men are totally driven by attachment, women have evolved to be independent. Dare I say, promiscuous? Think about it: why else would women get a 9-month hall pass while pregnant? We’ve basically evolved to do whatever, and whoever, we want.
BLAKE: Seems like a stretch.
HAM: The opposite seems true, actually.
JOANNE: How so?
HAM: Just based on my life. Internal sources. But I’ve read that it’s better for the man to explore.
JOANNE: Where did you read that?
HAM: I’ll have to check my sources.
BLAKE: I think I also read that.
HAM: Joanne, were you the one to suggest an open relationship with your partner?
JOANNE: It was my husband’s idea, but I supported it.
HAM: Who pulls more often?
JOANNE: Let’s just say my husband is not home very much. Rarely, in fact.
HAM: Yeah my throuplings usually end in the other two returning to their place.
JOANNE: Did you start as a throuple or expand from being in a couple?
HAM: No it began as a relationship I had with someone else, who then asked to add a third member.
JOANNE: I see.
HAM: What about you Blake?
BLAKE: I’m not currently situated, but I never initiated the third-wheel conversations.
HAM: So none of us had the idea to open our relationships? It was all our partners?
JOANNE: Well it was basically mutual.
HAM: Right. Yes of course.
BLAKE: Always mutual. Except when I was ultimatumed out of the situationship.
JOANNE: What did they say?
BLAKE: Leave or I’m calling the police.
Dear All The Right Answers,
I’m probably going to jail today. What should I do to prepare?
Sincerely,
William
HAM: I don’t like how he just signed his name.
JOANNE: He seems old. Like a widowed grandpa who never used the Internet.
BLAKE: I’m gonna recuse myself from this one. The whole lawsuit against me and S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ——— could lead to a dangerous precedent for this column.
HAM: I agree. It’s probably to William’s benefit that he doesn’t hear your advice.
BLAKE: Obviously I have great thoughts on the topic. But I’m not interested in side-stepping justice, thank you. I think I’ll just sit back and take some notes.
JOANNE: Why would you need notes?
BLAKE: For future lawsuits. Success begets litigation.
HAM: Well Bill I think we should abolish prisons, and your willingness to participate is kind of a red flag. But I’ll put my instincts aside and assume you’re going for a good reason. I’m not here to judge how you got there, just how you’ll behave there.
First, violence. Lean into it. If your body is unfit, unleash psychological warfare.
Second, gangs. I assume you’ll be there for a long time, in which case a gang can offer you some upward mobility. You might start by transporting contraband via the old anal sleeve, but everyone starts somewhere.
Third, toilets. Do not, under any circumstances, poop. Prison toilet paper is horrendous.
JOANNE: I’m on the same page as Ham, except you should poop in prison. Do it on your enemies.
BLAKE: I wouldn’t do that.
JOANNE: Then why’d you write it down, Blake? Don’t pretend just because the readers can’t see you.
People forget that prisons are wonderful places that keep my streets safe. And nobody talks about the benefits of prison labor! They make products we use all the time, and we don’t have to pay them a full wage.
HAM: That sounds like slavery.
JOANNE: Yes, it’s incredibly affordable. You could never pay an innocent person that little.
HAM: Sometimes people are in a prison of the mind. Prejudice is the real crime.
JOANNE: The only thing I’m prejudiced against is you.
BLAKE: This is good stuff. I almost wish I was going to prison so I could use some of it.
JOANNE: Give it time. ⬤
Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.
Blake Moore is the alleged author of S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ———.
Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.
PREVIEW…
The world is changing.
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Combining the absurdity of Veep with the soap opera of a Marvel comic, KING AMERICA #3 arrives on June 20, 2024!
