[ADVICE] Double Pregnancies

And evicting your roommate

All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear All The Right Answers,

After many months of trying, my husband and I are finally expecting a baby. He (M41) and I (F39) met two years ago, and although each of us always wanted children, we weren’t sure it would ever happen. 

Well now that I’m pregnant, something is preventing me from fully enjoying this time with my preborn. My sister and her husband have just announced that they are expecting another child-- and that she’s three months along. For context, I’m four months along and literally just told my family last month. I understand that it’s very nice for them to expand their family, but they already have two kids. To make matters worse, everyone in our family seems equally excited about my sister’s pregnancy as mine. This feels like a cruel joke from the universe like I can never have something that’s just mine.

My sister has suggested that we go on “Mommy Walks” and other activities together, but I don’t want to see her at all. How do I tell her that I want to keep her pregnancy away from mine? The thought of a double baby shower makes me want to vomit.

Sincerely,

Baby Crazy

BLAKE: Baby Crazy, what you’re expecting is a common phenomenon called Mama Bear Madness. It turns the normal female brain into an irrational mess of incoherent logic. This happens when the woman’s body is forced to share nutrients with a growing baby. 

To wit, your baby is essentially sucking the life out of ouf you, causing your brain to indulge in absurd thoughts. Because, and I hate to say this, your problem is stupid. 

JOANNE: My doctor called it the Black Momba.

HAM: Crazy Lady, none of this is accurate.

BLAKE: Hookah, I’m sorry my facts get in the way of your urban agenda, but I live in a little place called reality. 

HAM: You’re actively lying to a pregnant woman dude. 

BLAKE: Google “Mama Bear Madness” right now and show an article debunking it. I’ll wait.

HAM: I can’t because nothing will appear online. It’s a fake-ass concept.

JOANNE: Lads, please. This kind of infighting is how the immigrants win. We haven’t looked at the root of Crazy Lady’s problem. She needs to confront her sister about this prenatal hostility. Obviously, this has to be done privately, as your family has shown their allegiance to her over you. I’d recommend something that is both mean-spirited and personal. You can steal her dream name for your child, or seduce her husband. Just think it through-- you got this. 

HAM: This conversation feels… illegal. Maybe just talk to her? Just send her a text or a tweet saying that you don’t want to be around her.

JOANNE: Are you serious?

BLAKE: Wow.

JOANNE: You’re willing to break up her whole family, Ham? Just like that?

BLAKE: How’s Grandma going to react to that? Come on dude. Baby Crazy’s life is on the line here. 

JOANNE: Sometimes you make it so obvious why you’re single. 

Dear All The Right Answers,

I need help evicting my roommate. We studied at the same college and moved in together out of necessity, but I’m sick of him. “Brandon” is a total slob. He never washes dishes, throws away trash, or performs any kind of home maintenance. When I ask him to help out, his solution is to opt out of these tasks. He no longer washes dishes because he only uses paper plates. He doesn’t have to empty the trash because he has his own bin in his room.

Honestly, all of this would be fine if he kept to his room, but now the entire apartment smells bad. I’m pretty sure he’s letting the garbage accumulate in his room. I can’t invite friends anymore because it’s so bad, and I’m worried we’ve lost our security deposit. I’d like to move out on my own, but this apartment is in a great location and at a great price. It’s not fair that I leave. Can I force this guy out of my life?

Sincerely,

Grossed Out

HAM: I’ve had my share of horrible roommates, so I empathize with Grosero’s discomfort. I once lived with someone who refused to wash her socks, even when they left footprints on our flooring. In fact, in all the time I knew her I don’t think I ever saw her fret.

BLAKE: Were you seeking her toes?

HAM: Please. Toes are the poor man’s fingers. Anyway, it got to a point where she showered with socks on. Her footsteps were squishy and loud afterward, and I’d follow her path with a mop to clean up the milky water. 

Now, my solution to that situation was to divorce her, but the fundamentals apply here too. He should hire a lawyer to end it. Pay someone to be crafty.

JOANNE: I always knew you had horrible taste in women.

HAM: I don’t just date women, Joanne. I also seek very very wealthy men.

JOANNE: Okay well you’re bad at dating them, and you’re bad at giving advice. Chunky, your letter is ridiculous. I understand that you don’t want to shit where you eat, but you have to take initiative! If that means a few weeks of discomfort then so be it.

Unfortunately, I suspect you’re a product of Ham’s generation, who believe that words are literal violence. 

HAM: You complained to HR after I introduced myself with pronouns.

JOANNE: IRREGARDLESS—

HAM: She’s scared of Goddamn pronouns—

JOANNE: If you’re worried about confrontation, a stealth assault is the right choice. I’d recommend methodically searching for unsavory content on his computers.

”Hey, can I borrow your phone?” Google how to build a bomb. Ask ChatGPT for advice on how to hide dead bodies. Hell, sending an envelope full of white powder to a hospital will do the trick. Brainstorm 60 ideas that will get the FBI salivating, then work down the list.

BLAKE: I think both of you are sort of on the right track, but it’s a little extreme. People can’t afford lawyers, they’re not gonna go to jail over a bad roommate. I think that Grossed Out should opt for any emotional appeal. Maintain a healthy distance, absolutely, but with a familiar and comforting voice. 

I would simply pretend to be his mom, then use that trust to lure him out of the house. This may require you to access your roommate’s devices, but at least you won’t be courting federal charges. If you want to give his mother a touch of dementia, for urgency, that’s up to you.

HAM: This may be the first time we’ve all given similar advice. Non-confrontational. 

JOANNE: I‘m glad you two are finally coming around to the right way of thinking.

BLAKE: You could also give his mom multiple sclerosis, but that might require work from you. ⬤

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.

Blake Moore is the alleged author of S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ———.

Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.

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