[ADVICE] Poor Boyfriend/Rich Boyfriend

And saying “no” to your parents

All The Right Answers is The Daily Egg’s advice column. Submit your questions to Blake, Ham, and Joanne here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear All The Right Answers,

My boyfriend Dylan and I have been dating for over a year, and I discovered something about him that makes me a little uncomfortable. It turns out he makes more money than I thought he did: by a lot. 

Initially, he acted like he was financially stable, if a little frugal. He’s always more than open to splitting bills and isn’t one to splurge very often. He makes good money he prioritizes his savings, and he said his parents came from a “working class” background. Well, I met Dylan’s parents for the first time recently, and if they’re working class then I’m 12 feet below the poverty line. His family home is HUGE, like requires-hired-help large. I’ve never lived in a house with stairs, let alone one with a theater room, so this was definitely a shock.

I understand that he’s not obligated to share every facet of his upbringing, but this man has watched me freak out over losing coupons for shampoo. Honesty is important to me, and his withholding this about himself makes me wonder if there are other things he’s hiding.

I haven’t talked to him about this yet because I’m not sure how to bring it up. Will he think I’m asking him for his money? I need us to be on the same page about this moving forward. How should I approach confronting him?

Sincerely,

Not A Gold Digger

HAM: Well she has to end it.

JOANNE: No, wrong. She’s gotta lock that down.

HAM: He’s a financially withholding nepo baby with the emotional development of a toddler. His brain is basically in diapers. 

JOANNE: How do we know she doesn’t like diapers?

HAM: Because she sent the letter!

JOANNE: This is classic Ham, avoiding the fact that upper-class people have feelings too. Imagine how hard his parents’ parents’ parents had to work for their success. 

HAM: I told you I’m not anti-business, just anti-capitalism. 

JOANNE: You’re wearing an Apple Watch.

HAM: And you voted for Bernie Sanders!

JOANNE: I thought he was the Colonel!

BLAKE: I have something to say. 

JOANNE: That’s literally why they pay you.

BLAKE: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy—“

JOANNE: He finally found Jesus.

HAM: Like a boyfriend?

JOANNE: Christ.

BLAKE: Almost, Joanne, close. Ever since my debacle with the plagiarist, things have been difficult. My book has been pulled from online shelves. My cat left me for my neighbor. Someone bought $29.99 worth of adult entertainment using my credit card, I don’t know who.

HAM: All of this feels disrespectful but I don’t know how yet.

BLAKE: I might have diabetes.

JOANNE: Alright get to the point man.

BLAKE: My point, fair lass—

JOANNE: Nevermind.

BLAKE: My point is that I am redeemed. I have found eternal life in the teachings of my lord and savior Stanley Christ. 

JOANNE: Stan Lee? Like the comic book guy?

BLAKE: No, “Stanley.” One word. You know him-- he’s the younger brother of Jesus Christ. He founded the Prophets of Frightened Faith? Have you guys seriously never heard of him?

HAM: Stanley Christ isn’t a thing Blake. Someone is trying to scam you.

BLAKE: That’s what I thought too, but you know what the Book of Boom says? “He who ignores the truth is destined to pay taxes.”

HAM: I don’t know if that’s applicable. 

BLAKE: Do you pay taxes?

HAM: Yeah.

BLAKE: There you go.

JOANNE: (ignoring both Blake and the commotion outside) It sounds like Blake’s official advice is that these people need to find God. Is that right?

BLAKE: Stanley is the Manly.

JOANNE: That means yes.

Dear All The Right Answers,

I need advice on a difficult situation involving my mother. Childhood wasn’t easy for me or my siblings, but we always thought our mother’s eccentric behavior was (mostly) normal. As an adult, I realize I was raised by a textbook narcissist. Understanding this has made it easier for me to navigate her emotional manipulation, but it’s still hard for me to say “no” sometimes. My siblings help me deal with her sometimes, but they’ve done a better job of shutting her out than I have. 

Later this summer, she’ll be going on vacation with her boyfriend for three weeks. She wants me to water her plants every day. I don’t mind checking in her house once or twice, but I live 45 minutes away. Her boyfriend has his own children who live much closer, but she refuses to ask them for help because, in her words, “they love finding an excuse to hate me.”

I’ve met her boyfriend’s kids, and they seem to be perfectly nice people. Usually I can’t stand her constant guilt-tripping, but I really don’t want to do this. Plus, watering your plants every day is bad! But if I mention that then it’s because I want to get out of helping. Please, tell me how to say no without it turning into the worst day of my week.

Sincerely,

Mommy Issues

HAM: Well Mommy Issues you and I are in the same boat because I am obsessed with my mom.

(The producer interrupts Ham to inform the three hosts of the gunman inside the building.)

JOANNE: Are you serious?

(The room is officially locked down. Blake, Ham, and Joanne are told to sit under their desks and remain quiet.)

HAM: (as they move) Oh my God.

BLAKE: I’m a Fan of Stan. I’m a Fan of Stan.

HAM: Dude are you praying?

JOANNE: You know what, I’m not waiting for “Stan” or anyone else to save us.

(Joanne leaves the desk and retrieves a small pistol from her purse.)

JOANNE: Don’t tread on me.

HAM: (to producer) Did you know she had that? (to Joanne) You bring that every day?

JOANNE: I didn’t know the Second Amendment took days off. I’ll be right back.

(Joanne leaves.)

HAM: If she dies we don’t have to replace her chair, right? The show works with two hosts.

BLAKE: No pain no gain. That’s what Stan says. 

HAM: We could probably do it with one, honestly. One host might be better. 

(Another, closer commotion in the hallway. Ham attempts to block the door with Blake’s body, to no avail. The door bursts open as a large woman enters. She drags Joanne by the throat, and aims a rifle at her stomach.)

SHOOTER: Everyone stay down!

JOANNE: It’s okay, I have the situation under control..

BLAKE: Stan, if you can hear me, I need you.

SHOOTER: What’d I just say?

HAM: Blake stop talking.

SHOOTER: That doesn’t mean you’re allowed to talk!

HAM: Understood.

SHOOTER: Just be quiet.

HAM: No problem.

(The shooter throws Joanne down and aims her gun at Ham.)

SHOOTER: Not another word.

HAM: (thumbs up)

SHOOTER: The police are outside, so we're going to play a game called “Hostage.” Who needs help with the rules? 

HAM: I used to play this with my stepdad, so I’m well acquainted with the rules. First, no crying. .

SHOOTER: I’m aiming a gun at your face. 

HAM: (locks lips, thumbs up)

BLAKE: Stan is good. Stan is nice. Stan is a fan… of me!

JOANNE: Blake shut up.

SHOOTER: No, it’s okay. I’m also Stanlian. Please pray your constellations quietly, alright brother?

BLAKE: Can I pray in that corner?

SHOOTER: Hey, “you can’t stand until you learn to Stan.”

BLAKE: That’s true! She knows her stuff.

(They laugh before Blake faces the corner.)

JOANNE: I’m gonna die. 

HAM: Let’s hope.

SHOOTER: I don’t want any bickering, okay? We hear enough of that on the show.

JOANNE: You’re a fan?

SHOOTER: My sister is.

HAM: Oh cool! She’s got good taste. 

SHOOTER: I hate her.

HAM: Two things can be true at once. I feel like you don’t know the answer, but does she have a favorite host?

SHOOTER: Her.

HAM: Joanne?

SHOOTER: Mhmm.

JOANNE: (playful finger guns)

(The shooter points her gun in Joanne’s general direction.)

JOANNE: (holsters fingers) 

BLAKE: Sister Stanley?

SHOOTER: What?

BLAKE: Can I turn around?

SHOOTER: Yes. 

BLAKE: I know we usually need a prophet for this, but I’m happy to absorb your dark energy. What troubles you?

SHOOTER: Thank you brother Stanley, but I’m fine. 

BLAKE: Sister, standards start with…?

SHOOTER: (rolling eyes) Stan. (lowers gun) I guess things aren’t so great at home, you know?

BLAKE: I get it. I’m an interior decorator, so I’ve healed many troubled families.

SHOOTER: My sister is… she’s beyond control. She’s out every night until who knows when, drinking, not going to school. My poor mom wants to fix her but I know she’s beyond saving. Our society is one that rewards lewd behavior--

JOANNE: Yeah yeah, but have you tracked her car yet?

SHOOTER: What?

JOANNE: Like with an AirTag. Have you tracked her movements yet?

SHOOTER: No.

HAM: I mean, that’s Payback 101.

JOANNE: How are you going to get back at her if you don’t know the details?

BLAKE: Name and shame, as Stan says.

HAM: Then you have to gaslight her into thinking your mom hates her.

BLAKE: Have you ever thought of buying her a bad chair? It’s a long play but it will ruin her back.

SHOOTER: Wow this is all very helpful. Thank you. Let me write this all stuff down.

JOANNE: Hey, this is our job!

HAM: Yeah pull out your phone.

(The shooter rests her gun on the floor as she opens her phone. Ham mouths something unintelligible to Blake. Joanne lunges for the rifle but lands on top of it. She accidentally fires it.)

SHOOTER: What the hell! I was gonna use that on someone. 

(Joanne stands up, and the four wait in silence. Ham addresses the producer.)

HAM: Did someone call the police yet?

(PRODUCER: No.)

HAM: Okay. 

SHOOTER: Cool. No harm, no foul.

(The shooter sprints out of the room. Joanne tries chasing her, but Blake stalls.)

BLAKE: No, no. We can’t interfere with Sister Shooter’s journey.

JOANNE: She aimed a gun at my face!

(Ham attempts to drag Blake away from the door, but he can’t.)

JOANNE: Why are you so weak?

HAM: I think it’s the residual fear! He’s so dense.

BLAKE: Stan gives and Stan takes, Joanne. That’s why he’s the man. ⬤

Ham Aurelio is a renowned actor, pigeon racer, and activist.

Blake Moore is the alleged author of S——— —-: —- —- — ———— ———.

Joanne Kurtz is a lecturer at the Meology Institute of Financial Freedom.

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